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→ Os 4 Comportamentos Que Destroem Uma Relação de Casal

O psicólogo John Gottman, um dos principais pesquisadores sobre o casamento e as relações de casal, afirma que é capaz de prever o divórcio com mais de 90% de precisão, com apenas observar a interação de um casal durante alguns minutos.

Mas esta habilidade não é mera intuição, mas o resultado de uma grande quantidade de pesquisas desenvolvidas durante duas décadas que nos levaram a identificar o que ele chama de os quatro cavaleiros do apocalipse das relações: crítica, desprezo, defensiva e descontrole emocional.

“Descobrimos que podíamos prever com uma precisão maior a 90%, o que iria acontecer com uma relação nos três anos seguintes, ao examinar a psicologia e a conduta de um casal durante uma conversa sobre um assunto em que não estavam de acordo e entrevista-los sobre seu passado. Em casais que durou, a taxa de afirmações positivas contra negativas durante uma conversa perturbadora foi de 5 para 1. Nas relações que terminaram, a taxa foi de cerca de 1 para 1”.

Em suas pesquisas encontrou também que há pessoas que são especialmente boas para manter relações. Trata-Se de pessoas que buscam coisas para apreciar, vendo o que há de bom nos outros, enquanto as pessoas que são especialmente desastrosas em suas relações fazem tudo ao contrário, focando os erros e defeitos do seu parceiro.

Claro, as críticas ou ficar na defensiva é algo que pode acontecer em qualquer casal. A diferença é que as pessoas que sabem se relacionar bem se dão conta de que algo caminha mal e tratam de repará-lo. Mas o mais importante não é se alguém tenta reparar um dano, mas que a outra pessoa aceite essa tentativa de reparação, ou, pelo contrário, reage liberando um dos quatro cavaleiros contra seu parceiro.

OS 4 COMPORTAMENTOS

Horizontal image of a couple pointing a finger on each other

  • Críticas.

Há que ter em conta que criticar seu parceiro não é o mesmo que expressar uma queixa ou fazer uma crítica de um determinado comportamento ou situação. No primeiro caso, você está atacando a seu parceiro como pessoa, enquanto que no segundo você está dirigindo em direção a uma conduta ou fato específico. Ou seja, não é o mesmo que dizer para o seu parceiro: “me incomoda quando você faz tal coisa, porque me faz sentir mal”, que dizer “você é um egoísta por fazer isso”. Igualmente, não é o mesmo que dizer: “eu me preocupei quando vi que não aparecia e não me chamasse. Eu pensei que estávamos de acordo em que nós chamaríamos em um caso assim”, quer dizer: “você é um egoísta, não pensa em como os outros podem se sentir, como não se importa”. Por isso, é bom expressar as suas queixas ou críticas, mas sempre de um modo que não represente um ataque ao seu parceiro como pessoa.

Quando as críticas destrutivas se dão com freqüência, fazem com que seja mais fácil o aparecimento dos outros três comportamentos destruidores de relacionamentos, porque fazem com que a outra pessoa se sinta atacada, rejeitada e ferida, e podem levar o casal a cair em uma rotina em que as críticas ocorrem cada vez com mais frequência.

  • Desprezo.

O desprezo é uma das condutas mais destrutivas em uma relação. Você pode ver, as provocações, os comentários para ridicularizar a outra pessoa, ou fazer com que se sinta estúpido ou inferior, os insultos, as imitações em forma de burla, os comentários que transmitem a ideia de que você é superior a seu parceiro ou certos gestos que indicam rejeição, como desviar o olhar com desprezo. Na verdade, não é preciso dizer mais nada para transmitir desprezo para o seu parceiro, pode ser suficiente uma simples olhada.

Em suas investigações, Gottman encontrou também que os casais que se tratam com desprezo entre eles têm mais probabilidades de sofrer de doenças infecciosas, como resfriados ou gripes, pois seu sistema imunológico é mais fraco. O desprezo é o principal predador de separação em um casal.

  • Defensiva.

A defensiva consiste em procurar desculpas e não aceitar a responsabilidade de nossa conduta. As desculpas transmitem a outra pessoa, a mensagem de que não levas a sério, tentando fazer com que cria algo que não é verdade. Por exemplo, quando não se faz uma tarefa que lhe cabia fazer, as reações de um modo defensivo dizendo que você teve muito trabalho durante toda a semana ou até mesmo tenta dar a volta à situação e fingir que é seu parceiro quem é a culpa: “eu não poderia fazê-lo porque tenho tido muito trabalho. Você poderia ter feito, pois sabe perfeitamente que eu tenho muito trabalho esses dias”. Uma resposta mais adequada poderia ter sido: “você tem razão, desculpe, teria que ter dito que eu seria impossível fazer, e perguntar se você pode fazer, mas eu esqueci por completo”.

A pessoa que está na defensiva não reconhece a sua parte de culpa, nem pede perdão, mas que trata de culpar a outra pessoa e até mesmo se irritar e age como se fosse a vítima inocente perante qualquer reclamação de seu parceiro, por mais razoável que seja. Às vezes, pode ser que você tenha uma boa explicação para ter agido assim, como é o caso do exemplo. O problema não é o que acontece, mas como reagimos perante as indagações de seu parceiro. Mas sempre pode reconhecer a sua parte de culpa, pedir desculpas e explicar o que aconteceu como um modo de informar ao seu parceiro o que passou, e não como uma desculpa, nem utilizá-lo para culpar a outra pessoa que tinha acontecido.

  • Descontrole emocional.

Implica se retirar da interação com o seu parceiro, deixar de responder, deixar de ouvi-lo, olhar para o outro lado e levantar um muro entre ambos. Em vez de enfrentar o problema, recorre-se a manobras evasivas como dar uma volta, desligar-se da interação, agir como se estivesse ocupado ou participar em comportamentos obsessivos. Costuma aparecer quando já há muito tempo que os outros três comportamentos foram instalados na relação e é bastante para ela precisar fugir deste modo. Mas uma vez que aparece, pode tornar-se um hábito que impede de resolver os problemas.

Quando a interação com o seu parceiro chegou a um ponto em que precisa recorrer ao controle da situação, é preferível que você diga que precisa parar um pouco, porque você se sente muito sobrecarregado e passe meia hora fazendo algo relaxante, como ler ou ouvir música, sem pensar em discussão. Se depois continuar a conversa, ambos ficarão mais relaxados e a interação será mais positiva.

Juliana Dias

Sobre o autor | Website

Olá, meu nome é Juliana, tenho 27 anos, sou apaixonada por assuntos relacionados ao mundo masculino. E estou aqui para ajudar você mulher a saber tudo sobre os homens, seja na arte da conquista ou reconquista. Espero que eu possa contribuir verdadeiramente em seus relacionamentos, e qualquer coisa entre em contato ;)

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  125. There are some interesting points in time in this article but I don’t know if I see all of them center to heart. There is some validity but I will take hold opinion until I look into it further. Good article , thanks and we want more! Added to FeedBurner as wellyou have a great blog here! would you like to make some invite posts on my blog?

  126. I?d have to check with you here. Which is not something I usually do! I enjoy reading a post that will make people think. Also, thanks for allowing me to comment!

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  128. PORN disse:

    Our bodies are slow to traverse great distances, they have trouble meeting other bodies, they sit alone in rooms on Saturday nights. They want to have sex, but don’t make the effort to connect, and so they have to make do alone. A future where humans can’t put on haptic playsuits and fuck each other in the Matrix is like a future without self-driving cars or space travel: Until we get there, we will be imagining it.

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